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The Haves And The Have Nots

May 4, 2018

Why is it some women seem to have an endless supply of attention from men? Maybe they didn’t even want the husband they had and that’s why they’re divorced. Maybe they didn’t even get married to their baby’s daddy and he still pays all the bills. It seems like some women have all the luck. I call it, “The haves and the have-nots.”

The very nature of being a single mom implies you are alone. Alone in raising your kids, alone, without a partner, husband or significant other. Whatever the case may be, you know you are alone. It seems everyone else around you is not alone. Your friends all have boyfriends or husbands. Even your other single mom friends have remarried or have successful relationships. Why not you? Do you always feel like a “have not?”

If you are a single mom reading this, just know that your kids are looking to you to be their rock. The ground has shaken beneath them and they need to know you are there for them. That you will not leave them too. Now, you may be thinking, “Well I drive them to school, I make their lunches and I take them to all their activities. There is nothing left of me at the end of the day. Isn’t that enough?”

When my husband left our home, I knew at that moment my kids didn’t ask for their lives to change, but it did. They only get one childhood and I didn’t want to create any more unnecessary drama for them. I had to recalculate, like a GPS in your car when you take a turn that the system wasn’t expecting you to take. Where was I going? What was my end destination for my kids? What was my goal? Was it to find another husband, a replacement for me and my kids?

For me, it was to focus on the needs of my children. They had suffered a blow, and their little souls were shattered. I had to help them navigate the minefield of a dadless home. There would be many feelings about their new reality and I wanted to be emotionally available for them. Even though I was feeling rejected and kicked aside.

This is where the train can come off the tracks if you are not hyper-aware of what is going on inside of you. It’s normal to have a swinging pendulum of emotions when you first become a single mom. One day you might feel nothing but rage toward your ex, the next day he may not have even entered your thoughts and you think you’re going to enter the Super Mom contest. But, to be sure that if you don’t address your self-worth and who you are as a result of the break-up you will be looking to replace your ex in a speedy fashion because your worth was tied to who he thought you were.

Now that he doesn’t want you, are you worthless? Where does your worth come from? Do you think you have value because someone likes you or thinks your pretty?

Without even knowing it, we can enter adulthood with soul wounds that shape our choices and how we see ourselves. It’s why we picked the partner we were with. It’s why we stay married even when we are miserable, stuffing our feelings with food or alcohol and drugs. It’s why we can’t seem to be disciplined emotionally, spiritually or physically. It’s why we keep wishing we had what others have. We may have hurts and wounds on our soul that have never been dealt with.

Life change is hard, and it takes time. Soul care is a process. Be patient, kind and forgiving with yourself.

We are all broken people and when we can start to see ourselves through the lens of a perfect Creator then we will know our true worth.